I wrote this poem, but I am concerned about the “semi-automatic” in the fifth line, I think it is too severe.
Murder
There is something lovely about the position
of your taut waist and your shoulder, in addition
to the perfect authentic cadence formed from your
hairline to your chin, but listening to you snore
often makes me draw our semi-automatic,
and consider whether it would be pragmatic
if you expired with your excess artlessness.
Is there no way, or superhighway, to suppress
Your snorting laughter and your barbaric sneezing?
I cannot tell you to simply stop your squeezing
While we repose in our connubial harbor,
Since frankness has not replaced the early ardor
We so enjoyed two weeks ago when we first met.
Now, may I remind you, you bought that awful pet
You named after me, expecting me to love it.
I find its looks the incarnation of your wit,
which is as scatological as your tastes.
You stained the splendiferous score I had encased
As our wedding gift, and then out chugged the gardener
Who inquired, “if I would ever pardon her.”
Now observe me as I thwack you with a girder.
I liked the centering of this poem, it almost formed a silhouette of the body rendered in the first four lines. I had a hard time with the abrupt shift from desire to disgust, and the poem seemed very caught up in the narrative. I liked how your end-rhyme became off-kilter when each rhyme pairing was split with a period, for example, “when we first met./ Now, may I remind you, when you bought that awful pet.” The strategy makes the rhyme seem less forced and more subtle, the way end-rhyme has to be if you don’t want to make your poem sound like Dr. Suess.
I liked the centering of this poem, it almost formed a silhouette of the body rendered in the first four lines. I had a hard time with the abrupt shift from desire to disgust, and the poem seemed very caught up in the narrative. I liked how your end-rhyme became off-kilter when each rhyme pairing was split with a period, for example, “when we first met./ Now, may I remind you, when you bought that awful pet.” The strategy makes the rhyme seem less forced and more subtle, the way end-rhyme has to be if you don’t want to make your poem sound like Dr. Suess.
maddie