Who dun it?
Before the bomb exploded, an obese woman in high heels dawdled on her cane, choosing the perfect blueberry muffin from a tray of identical blueberry muffins. A man in the last phase of attractiveness stood behind her. His hair was ashen, but his waist was still firm, clasped by a belt that could still be greedily undone. Pimples formed a constellation on a boy’s face. The hurlyburly of a middle-school field trip marched past the dumb communion of saturday activists. A little girl apprehensively twirled a rotating postcard stand and in a spasm of delight she snatched the right one. She did a little dance, jerking and twisting her fingers in the air. The goddesses were wringing their hair after a bath, so it rained in clumps that targetted old hags crossing the street.
A great idea for a short fiction because the moment of suspense, before something happens that has already been predestined by the writer, is a great moment to explore, expand, or suspend. The flash fiction is a useful exercise for you, I think, because it forces you to slow down and think closely and revisit very few words. Your characterization of the first man, the one “in his last stage of attractiveness,” really brought him to life…and the phrase “clasped by a belt that could still be greedily undone” is both a description and a suggestion of action. It gives the man a tone without having him speak, which I really liked. I was less hooked on any other characters, though the little girl and her glee seemed an appropriate juxtaposition to the bomb exploding. One last thing: I wonder if you can suggest that the bomb explodes by using a different sentence than: “Then the bomb exploded.: How else could you suggest this in a provocative way? because, in so few words, maybe you don’t want to simply restate the first line. Or vice versa; could you introduce this with different words and then end with “then the bomb exploded”? Great job with posting so much work, you are so obviously passionate about writing…I can’t keep up! I’m sure your comments on other people’s blogs would be invaluable-
Maddie
Thanks for pointing out the last line, I got rid of it. I will try to return to it before class Tuesday to see if I have any other ideas or character developments. Now, that is to say without the old last line, I feel like it is a piece written backwards.